Change

It’s been a little over a year since I last wrote an entry on here. I recently binge-watched Awkward. on Hulu. I can’t tell if I’m supposed to watch it satirically, or seriously at times. It is a comedy-drama, so I guess I can watch it both for serious purposes and its humor.

Oddly, that show is the one thing that inspires me to stop being lazy and actually write on this thing. However, I do heavily enjoy pen-to-paper writing more than keyboard-to-screen. “Old school blogging” if you will. I learned a lot from the show, despite it being a comedy. I think it’s helped me feel more mature, in a sense. I feel like I’ve grown a little since binging the first season. I’ve also just grown a bit in general.

First off, I still haven’t used my CNA license. I’m going in next week to see if they’re willing to take me at NH. I’m already an employee, so I don’t have to fill out an application or anything. I’ll probably have to take a drug test & go through a whole new orientation. I don’t want to lose my license since it expires in August. It would be insulting to my parents, they paid for my classes after all.

Speaking of licenses, I still don’t have my driver’s. I failed my test, and I haven’t rescheduled in over a year. I’m hoping to get it this summer because I need to get that ball rolling for when I can finally move out. My first step into the real world, aside from my job at EXTRAS (which I got back in October, I’m an afterschool daycare teacher now!) is going to college. I didn’t end up going again last year due to the whole driving/car issue. Luckily, my brother said he is determined to go this year — so I’ll have a ride! We are going to go to Northwestern Connecticut Community College in Winstead. I’m going to take my gut/core classes this semester.

I’m not 100% sold on what I want to do. Everyone pushes nursing on me because “that where the money’s at” but I don’t feel that is where my heart is at. Since this daycare job, I’ve been really interested in Early Childhood Education. I want to become a  “real” teacher. Or a paraprofessional, whichever.

Love life update? I’m still with Christian. His birthday is in 2 weeks (May 24), and our 3 year anniversary is in about 10 weeks (July 17).

I’m not sure what else I want to write, as I’ve not been a super great headspace lately when talking about my life this year. Everything is fine at home, I guess I just feel depressed. It’s all good though. I think I’m holding back because this is A) Public, and B) Stuff that doesn’t deserve to be remembered or immortalized.

As much as I would love to do more typing-style journalling, I think I want to stick to pen-to-paper for now. No matter the length of time from my last post, I always find a reason to come back and write.

5:57 AM

Earlier this month, I went on a campus tour for Tunxis! It’s really great. The campus is beautiful. It looks perfect. My mom even liked it a lot better than Northwestern, and she didn’t even go on the campus tour for that school! The only issue I have with Tunxis is that they don’t seem to really have any sort of nursing programs. They have dentistry, though, but I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that. I’m not even sure if I’m comfortable being a nurse. I kind of want to be a teacher or a social worker or something. I want to be helpful.

I think I’m really set on going to Tunxis. I’ve been looking at a bunch of clubs that I really want to try and join. There is about four clubs that I’m thinking about joining:

• art club
• got pride club
• political awareness club
• haha

I’m nervous about joining the art club, because I know I will doubt my art skills a lot. I’m nervous about joining the Political Awareness Club, too, because I don’t want to be in an echo-chamber. Perhaps it won’t end up being the case, but even though I hate strong opinions that oppose mine, I’d rather have small conflict in a group than have everybody agree with one another on everything. Speaking of which, those opinions I have are pretty simple, in my opinion. It’s mostly just pro-LGBT.

I really want to step out and be bolder when I go to college. Which I assume is every socially-anxious girl’s dream. I also really hope I lose a good amount of weight before August, too. Which I assume is every chubby girl’s dream…

I reapplied to CVS, and I got nothing back, again. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I’m applying for a receptionist job at NH. Now, perhaps you’re (not) thinking, “Rachel, why not just get a CNA job there?!” and the answer is simple, Stacey. It’s a per diem receptionist job! I’m also planning to apply for a job at the dollar store. I’m not really committed to this town, to say the least. I don’t want to stay here forever, (famous last words)

Anyways, writing on here has reminded me that I should really start writing in my physical-pencil-journal-diary-thing more often. I will probably want to delete this little “blog” in the near future. Just in case, I’m most likely going to (not) rewrite this entry in my journal/diary later today.

Oh, also, I finally started Driver’s Ed! I have my second driving lesson and my first actual class tomorrow. Fingers crossed that I do good tomorrow, and that no one is scary at class. X

Late Thursday Night

Well, a few things…

First of all, I graduated! Thank goodness, right? Second of all, I ended up not going to Northwestern in 2017 Autumn. During the summer, however, I took a CNA course they were offering. As of August 2017, I am a Certified Nursing Assistant. I haven’t offically worked as a CNA yet, mostly because I know it will be work, and I’ll have to put in a lot of energy. It sounds very lame, but I haven’t even had my first job yet. I really want to work retail, specifically at CVS. It’s the only place I think I’d do very well.

I’m going to go to driving school later next month, so I can finally get my driver’s license. Next month, I can also reapply to CVS.

In terms of school, I am considering either going to Northwestern or Tunxis. I applied to Tunxis on the 17th and I hope to hear from them soon. Christian and I have been discussing the idea of going to the same school. He’s going to send an application to Northwestern and Tunxis as well.

Of course, though, getting to spend extra time with Christian isn’t the only reason why I’m interested in Tunxis. They seem to have a better campus and also offer a lot more classes, from what I see. My therapist suggested going on one of those little tour things that colleges and universities always have at some points in the year. I’m considering asking Christian to go with me, since I know he’ll probably ask more questions since I’d be afraid to speak up, haha.

I am a bit nervous because I read a comment from a former student that had a negative experience at the school say that, “Students at Tunxis are more motivated because they have to pay for their education”.
Now, I assume this either means since tuition is so small (4k) that a person-not-in-my-finical-situation could pay, or that they do not give enough finical aid to students, and therefore students have to pay a larger amount than they should due to their finical situations. I kind of want to ask Christian or somebody and see their take on the comment. I think I’m just a big worrybug and I can easily read things in different ways.

On positive notes, I started watching Wentworth and Riverdale. Riverdale is almost kind of a guilty pleasure since it’s so far off from the original Archie comics that it’s based off of. I’m very slowly starting to listen to Nine Inch Nails, and my favourite music group is currently BROCKHAMPTON.

Also, Christian and I recently celebrated 1 year and 6 months together! Heh. ♥

Wednesday Morning

It’s been about eight months since my last post. I really had no idea it’s been so long. I would’ve thought I wrote something in October, but I clearly hadn’t. 2016 Autumn was maybe one of the best times of my life so far. As well as now, 2017 Spring.

I’m going to Northwestern Connecticut Community College in the fall, and hoping to soon transfer to Central Connecticut State University. By then, I will hopefully get an apartment, or somewhere to stay in the New Britain area. So, clearly, I’m still with Christian. We went to Homecoming in November. It was at his school, and it was my first time going to Homecoming in general. His school is a lot bigger than mine, heh. It was an experience though, I guess I could say.

Later this month, four days before his birthday, we are going to the Senior Ball at my school. The tickets are 30 dollars each, yikes. I already have to pay $60 in class dues. Now I have to pay another $60, plus money to get a cute dress. At least we will have fun together, though. And he’ll get to see my school this time!

This school year has been on/off. My grades have been fluctuating a lot, but I will thankfully be graduating! Just gotta hand in those dues, and I think I’ll be good.

I finally made a few friends in school, though. I think my best in-school friend is Ewa. She’s really talented, and she inspires me a lot. I’m not sure if Abby sees me as a good friend, since we don’t really talk a lot, but she’s still really nice and smart. Makenzie and Kristin kind of act like my friends, but I’m not really sure if it’s safe to call them that.

Outside of school, I made two other friends, Riley and Robin. I’m no longer friends with Riley anymore, thankfully, because he was disgusting. Robin however is the opposite. I’m probably closer to her than I am with anybody else mentioned here (aside from Christian, of course). I have faith in my relationships with her, Christian, and friends from before such as Caylan and Sam. I’m scared, however, that I will lose my other friends once I graduate high school, because they are all juniors, and I won’t see them on a daily basis like I have this year.

Friends do come and go, but I hate losing them. I really do. If it weren’t for Christian saying I should block him for very good reasons, and me asking him to do it for me, I think Riley would still be in my life. I’m just a weak person, I guess. Maybe one day I’ll learn better.

 

 

Friday Night

Christian and I went on our date on Monday. It was wonderful. To be honest, it was my first date, haha. I’m glad we’re dating. I love making him feel happy, and he makes me feel happy in return. We’re planning to go on another date in two weeks. Our mutual friend is coming though, which is Keegan. Speaking of Keegan, he actually wants to transition back to being a cis female. So I’m going to refer to her as Sam for now on, since that is her birth name. She transitioned back because her mom and her suspect heavily that her dad is getting Alzheimer’s which really sucks. I feel bad for her.

School is starting this Monday, I’m half excited and half dreading it. After the school week, I’m going to Lake George with Sam because her cousin is getting married. WELL NOW IM TIRED HAHA CATCH YA NEXT TIME, MY PERRSONAL BLOG THING HAHAHA LOL

 

Anomalous

I haven’t updated this blog in awhile. Although Martin did once mean a lot to me, we grew apart from each other fairly quickly. After about two months he started becoming distant, and rather strange. I ended things with him because I did not feel loved by him like I used to. I originally left him to be with a guy named Mo’men. We didn’t date, and it was silly of me. Not to mention awfully unrealistic because Mo’men lives in Palestine.

In April, I started dating a guy named Luis. None of my friends liked him, and I see why. He was kind of creepy. He was the same age as Martin, but he acted very weird, sexually. Peadophiliac, if you will. He started becoming distant like Martin did, but a little quicker. He ended it on his own terms and left.

After things ended with Luis, I felt really upset and alone. I tried reaching out to Martin again, but he didn’t really reply. I later found out he was dating somebody else already although he told me he wasn’t thinking about dating for a long time.

When I found that out, I planned to stay single for a while as well. It was going fairly well. My Summer was going really great, too. I started talking to some of my in-state friends more often, Keegan and Christian. Keegan had his 18th birthday party in July and I slept over at his house. Keegan was in-the-closet trans at this time, however. Keegan and I were starting to kind of…like each other. I told him I wasn’t ready to date though. The thought of it made me really anxious. My brother picked me up from Keegan’s house and my stomach hurt a lot. After I messaged him on Facebook about it, all of my anxiety started to go away. He was really understanding about how I felt. I really appreciated that.

During all of my anxious bullshit, I was messaging Christian the whole time. I’m really glad I had him with me. He’s very kind and he listens to me and my silly problems. As does Keegan. They’re both great people, really. Caylan is also wonderful, but when I talked to her about it, she kind of pushed me on the fact to date Keegan even though I didn’t feel ready.

The night after I came home, Christian called me on Skype and we talked for a bit. I don’t really remember what exactly we talked about, but I remember I drank alcoholic root beer and rubbed chocolate on my face, like an idiot.

Christian and I started to talk a lot more often than we used to, and it was really nice. It’s kind of weird how things work out though, because just a week after I told Keegan I wasn’t ready to date, I started dating Christian. It kind of just happened, really.

Keegan invited me to go swimming at his aunt’s house about a week after Christian and I started dating. I felt somewhat bad because I felt like I would appear to be a liar, and I didn’t want to hurt Keegan. I brought up Christian a few times in our conversation that day, and I even showed Keegan a song by Death Grips, which is a band that Christian likes a lot. We listened to them in the car after we visited Keegan’s aunt. When we got to Keegan’s house, we watched Philadelphia, then I fell asleep. When I woke up, Keegan was downstairs asleep on the futon, and his parents were at the store. I called Christian on my phone, and it was just a really nice weekend, in my opinion.

I added Christian and Keegan to a Skype group chat because I thought they could become friends, and they did! Keegan found out about Christian and I dating, and he wasn’t mad or anything, which is also great.

Christian is kind of weird, though. Well, he isn’t weird. I just feel a lot different as a person with him. With Martin and Luis, it was so easy for me to feel alone and upset. With Christian, I don’t think I’ve felt alone. At all. Christian makes me feel like a better person. A majority of my anxiety has almost melted away because of him.

I know this is probably really weird considering my last post I was pretty much gawking at Martin. I did love him at one point, but it wasn’t enough. That happens sometimes, and it’s okay that it happens. I strongly believe it won’t happen with Christian though. I don’t say that because I am blinded by love, because I know how that feels.

Christian honestly makes me feel ways that no one has ever made me feel. I’ve told him so much more stuff than I’ve told any of my friends…I should gawk over him some other time, right now it seems a bit odd to do so only because of my lack of writing.

Anyways, I’m going on a date with Christian on Monday, and then I have senior portraits on Tuesday!  I’m nervously excited for my senior year. I’m going to try very, very hard to succeed. I’ll be sure to write more after the weekend…

Wakeful

Simply, I am very emotional and I tend to think many events are important and should hold a special place in my mind and heart. Such as today, and what happened a month ago…Today is Thursday, the 18th of February. It is Martin’s 21st birthday. I am proud of him for just simply living. And that seems silly, I suppose, but Martin means a lot to me. He is truly a wonderful person. In all honesty, I could probably talk about him for hours, which probably sounds creepy. He is just very interesting to me for several different reasons.

Martin actually asked me out about a month ago, on the 16th of January. It was already the 17th for him, so we didn’t know which date should be our true anniversary date. We settled on 16/1/16, but we also chose to have a 2-day anniversary, which is kind of cool. He’s so lovely, intelligent, kind, handsome, and I’ll keep repeating this since I have no complete sense of what I am saying. But I do know what I am saying of Martin is true. Not to be obsessive, but his voice is also lovely. Not just his accent, but also his dialect, his idiolect, et cetera. His laugh, and the way he smiles just overwhelms me.

I love him very much, and I hope he has a wonderful day today. He truly deserves it.

Saturday Night

I’m planning to get a job somewhere. I was able to work at my mom’s workplace yesterday. I earned $20. It isn’t that much, but it was still nice to work a bit. I want to work much more locally. I don’t want to have to travel to Sharon every day. It would also be “good exercise” to work around my town. It would be somewhat easier if I was 18; certain places require you to be 18 to be able to sell the customers alcohol. LaBonne’s or Salisbury General Store and Pharmacy may be optional. The only ‘downside’ to working around town is the possibility of seeing people from school. I don’t mind seeing teachers, but the peers is a completely different situation. I would much rather work a register in front of my 9th grade Pre-Algebra teacher than a freshman/sophomore/junior/senior. They both tend to always close at 6 o’clock, too. So I’d probably work for 3 hours every weekday.

Also, I started my junior year on Monday this week! I like most of my classes. I am currently enrolled in Art Photo and I’m on a huge self-debate of whether or not I should stay despite not even being remotely excited going to class, or move onto an independent study course with my favorite art teacher, despite him having a computer painting class in that block. I’m honestly more excited to go to my Algebra 2 class than I am going to Art Photo, and that clearly says that there is a problem.

I could switch classes, but that seems a lot more complicated, and I am also letting an idiotic crush getting in the way of that. (haha, please kill me). I’m kind of upset and happy that I am single. And it may be stupid, and a waste of time, but I would really like to go to prom. Highly preferably with a date.

I’m going to go watch Silence of the Lambs now. And I will be sure to write next week. Bye!

Early Wednesday

I’m getting ready to start my Junior year next week, August 31st. I don’t have any art classes with my art teacher, Mr. Prindle, and I wish I did. Hopefully I can join Art Portfolio so I can meet up with him every other week for 30-40 minutes. I also have not been painting much, but I’ve been drawing. And honestly they are not even drawings, they are poorly done doodles.

I’m planning to do more with myself, as a whole. I want to be able to go to Germany this year…It’s been on my bucket-list for 2-3 years and it would be so really exciting, and a great opportunity to be able to travel. I would love to go to a few other countries such as China, United Kingdom, Japan, and possibly France. I would also like to travel to Canada at some point.

I haven’t been to therapy in about a month now. My therapist finally got into her own practice, and I’m proud for her! I just hope I can see her soon because we do have a lot to catch up on.

I am planning to write again some point next week.

Thursday

I messed up, oh well. There is always time to restart things, or continue rather. I also need to remind myself to head to the APO to make sure I’m not losing credits by marking my unwired absences with doctors and therapy appointments. I also need to finish three paintings to put on my portfolios.